By Ajarah Thani
TOP 7WAYS TO STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR SPOUSE
Therapist and Relationship Coach
Arguing, fighting, bickering with your spouse? You’re not alone.
Couples argue from time to time. Some are just more or less than others but do not worry too much about it, you are about to discover the best ways to manage this.
Try these 7 simple, effective tips and techniques that will allow you to STOP these toxic arguments and ensure become a thing of the past.
7 Ways To End Arguments With Your Spouse
These 6 tactics I’m about to cover are just a starting point.
These are helpful in preventing fights with your spouse, so you should start using them immediately… but for most people, this isn’t the only thing that’s contributing to your marriage problems, so you need to address any other issues as well if you want to maintain a happy marriage.
Technique #1: Use The 15-Minute Rule
Are you angry at your spouse about something and ready to start screaming because of what they did or said?
Or maybe your spouse has started the conflict and you’re ready to flip back….?
Well, hold up a few seconds, in fact, make it 15 minutes or more.
Why? Well, I can’t tell you never to get into an argument with your spouse because this can’t totally be stopped but, I can teach you how to handle arguments.
If you disagree with yourselves and you need to stand up for something you believe is important and worth discussing with your spouse, then do it.
But before you do, wait at least 15 minutes. Don’t do anything special in that time–other than avoid talking about the problem with your spouse–before you begin the discussion. This point is very crucial because I have seen this lack of control has led many to undesired endings of a situation.
That 15 minutes would have given you enough time to reflect on the issue and decide it’s not worth fighting over.
If you still decide to argue, that time will help you cool down and let the emotions settle so you can start the discussion in a more civilized manner and it will stop the situation from escalating.
Simple tactics like this one can actually prevent a divorce even before it starts. Trust me on this.
Technique #2: Take a time-out
If you find yourself already in a heated argument with your spouse, then the 15-minute rule may already be too late. … but, you can still take action to make sure the fight doesn’t continue to grow.
If you’re worried that you or your spouse is going to get out of control, then you really must find a way to stop this from happening.
A time-out is a great solution to this problem.
This simply means that you need to take a short break during a fight to calm your nerves.
Don’t just simply walk out of the room without explanation–that is likely to make your partner angrier.
Instead, tell them that you need to take a few minutes to think about things and calm down before re-engaging in a more respectful, productive discussion. This can help both of you to feel more calm.
Technique #3: Go to bed angry
The classic advice–that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse–is just not always true.
I have seen that sometimes; it is even better to go to bed angry. This allows partners to clear their thoughts, get some sleep, and find another time to complete the fight.
Technique #4: Own up to your part of the fight
Hate being wrong? Too proud to admit you might also be part of the problem?
I understand that it can be very tough to admit that you’re wrong about anything. When you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the effect the argument might have on your partner’s feelings.
Two things are known to derail fights. First is admitting to your faults and the second is expressing empathy towards your partner. Though for some, I know it is easier said than done.
Sadly, researchers have proven that the feeling of “being right” or ‘winning’ is never as satisfying as you make it out to be in your mind. And trying to win the argument is often a synonym for trying to hurt your partner.
Instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing things from your partner’s perspective.
Aim to come to a positive outcome of some sort, even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose.” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage–is definitely going to help.
Technique #5: Find the humour
As I just mentioned, it’s easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing with your significant other, and at times, things can escalate and become toxic, marriage-threatening fights, even if they initially started over something very minor.
If you’re able to recognize when this is happening in an argument with your partner, humor can be the best way to defuse things and bring back some perspective.
NOTE: you need to be cautious using this method especially when the discussion is about something very serious to your partner. Do not try to downplay it. But most times, a joke, or smile can make some situations better.
Technique #6: Spend quality time together
This does not need much explanation, because it’s pretty simple. The more you and your spouse spend time arguing, the more you need to spend quality, enjoyable time together to balance things out.
No need to make it a big deal, just make sure you make an effort to share some positive, romantic time with one another.
This will help you both remember what you love about one another so that the next time you argue, you’ll remember to be respectful.
Technique #7: Ban the “but”
I have noticed that couples often derail a resolution when they acknowledge the other person’s position and then add a “but” in their next breath. This if not handled well can open a new set of worms. So even if you are planning to say something with a but, it is best you leave it till a later time. This does not mean you do not get to air your voice, it simply means that you find a better time to do just that. For more tips on having the marriage of your dreams, see our best-selling book The Marriage Fortification Secret.
AJARAH THANI is a certified therapist relationship coach, and author of “The Marriage Fortification Secret”, a best-selling guide to building a fortress around the marriage and fortifying it. For more of Ajarah’s relationship advice, follow her on Facebook.